Different Rooms, Different Versions of Me

I am different with different people.

That does not mean I'm pretending or being untrue to myself. It took me a while to realise that. I am not changing who I am to suit the room. My values and opinions remain the same. But the way I express myself depends a great deal on who I am with. Stick with me while I explain...

In some groups, I am the person who speaks up. I make the plan, take decisions, steer the conversation, influence the mood of the room, and sometimes change people’s minds. I am confident, vocal and completely at ease taking up space.

In other groups, I am much quieter. I have at least two different versions of me. I'm sure there are more...I'm just stating the obvious two that emerge. Yin/Yang Jekyll/Hyde

For a long time, I wondered whether this meant that I was uncomfortable about something or had nothing to contribute (sometimes that is the case). Was I intimidated? Or did I feel like I did not belong?

Maybe, at times.

That does not necessarily mean the people around me don’t care about me or how I feel. There may be affection, familiarity and even respect.

And there's something to be said about group dynamics. Every group has its own structure, and not every person holds the same place within it.

One person becomes the decision-maker. Another, the entertainer. One person is always consulted. Someone else is liked and included but rarely influences what happens.

No one formally assigns these roles. They simply develop.

Once you begin to notice them, it becomes difficult not to see them.

And within the noise of groups, certain voices naturally rise above others. Some people are listened to more closely. They are heard even when saying little. Their jokes land harder. Their suggestions become the plan. Their opinions quietly shape the collective view. Others can say something thoughtful, useful or important and still find that the conversation has moved on before anyone has properly registered it.

I have been both of those people.

When I know that speaking louder, repeating myself or pushing harder will make little difference, I tend to stop trying. It is not anger or self-pity; I took some time to get to this place though. Now, I simply don't want to waste energy fighting for space in every conversation.

Sometimes silence is easier.

When several people are talking at once and I already know that what I say will disappear into the conversation, I'd rather listen, observe or retreat into my own thoughts. I don't need to fight for space in every room. Nor do I believe every opinion I have needs an audience. It took some battling with ego to reach this point.

This is why people who know me well are sometimes surprised to see me quiet. They know I'm not an introvert. They have seen me lead, argue, organise, laugh loudly and say exactly what I think. Yet in a large group, particularly one where everyone is competing to be heard, I may barely speak.

It's not because I have nothing to say. It's because I have learnt that not every room is listening.

I don't find this entirely upsetting. Well...sometimes I do, of course. Being unheard can sting, especially when it happens with people you care about. But more often, I find it interesting because I know these people don't do it intentionally. It is just the way it is.

However, it reminds me that personality is not fixed. We don't show up in exactly the same way everywhere. At least I don't. Do you?

The outspoken version of me is real. The quiet version is real too.

One knows she will be heard. The other has decided this is not her room to shape.